04 Nov

Hello, my name is Uncle Sam. Though I may be the only candidate in election made entirely out of wood, I am still way less stiff than any of my opponents! *audience cheers*

If elected, I promise to give the American people…
Ice cream in every bowl on Wednesdays and Sundays! *wild applause*
Team cheers and handshakes after every pro sports contest! *bedlam ensues*
A mandatory Rest Hour every day after lunch! *widespread fainting*

These are the ideals I stand for because I am the only candidate who doesn’t sit. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to get back to holding Ol’ Glory…

(Paid for by the Campteen Super PAC)


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